Planning your son's birthday party? Think small.

Never again. Never, ever, ever again.

What could be so bad you ask?

A mob of boys running amok on the 2nd floor of the Burning Ham public library for a 7th birthday party. Need I say more? Or, did I say too much? In their defense, it wasn't their fault. It was a perfect-storm-sort-of-situation. And, for the first time, I had no rescue plan. For every other birthday party, I had back-up contingencies should any craft end early or if something else fell through. This time, though, we had to make a water landing and I had forgotten the life vests. But even if I had brought them, they would have been tossed out the window -- by my son and his friends, of course.

The day started out perfectly. I got to the library early. Everything was set up ahead of time. Then, StarLab lady showed up. I had rented an inflatable planetarium so the kids could learn about the moon, the stars and so on. StarLab lady's presentation was supposed to be riveting. It was supposed to last an hour.

"So, I'll be done in about 20 minutes."

I stared at StarLab lady, dumbfounded. Oh, no, she didn't.

"20 MINUTES?!?!?! The Science Center said you'd need ONE HOUR!"

"Oh, don't worry, I have a craft, too. By the time I answer questions and we do the craft, I'm sure I'll use up the hour."

Craft? These were 1st and 2nd grade boys. The only craft they'd want to make would be one they could blow to smithereens -- or bonk each other on the head with to draw blood.

I didn't panic. I just rolled the dice and went with it. StarLab lady suffered a bout of amnesia during her presentation.

"And that constellation is called, um, um, um, uh, er ..." she fumbled with her notes and finally offered up, "a BIRD. Yes. That is definitely a bird."

And I'm definitely toast.

The boys started wondering what would happen if they poked a hole in StarLab. Part of me wished they did. It would have been more interesting than the constellation-cluster-fuck we were in.

StarLab lady finished. Of course, there were no questions except for the one raging in my head: What the hell am I going to do with these boys if I have any extra time? I considered a game of cheese-touch on the main floor of the library. But, Madan has a very nice German boy in his class taking ESL courses. I didn't want him to go back to Germany with the cheese touch. Plus, I didn't want to get banned from the Burning Ham library either.

We herded the kids back to the party room to start the craft. 10 seconds later, everyone had finished cutting and stapling their star finder. 36 eyes were now staring at me. And, 18 brains were wondering how flimsy star finders could be turned into weapons to help them make off with every single Bakugan DVD in the library.

"CAKE TIME!" I screamed.

"YAY!" 18 mouths shouted.

After I doled out the last piece of cake, my quick-thinking cousin-in-law whispered in my ear, "Open the gifts." I could have kissed her. We shuttled the kids into the now-empty StarLab room and had them sit against the wall. I encouraged Madan to take his time ripping the wrapping. Boys started running. My friend tried to corral them.

"Please don't run!" we implored. Luckily, (or unluckily) parents started showing up at this point. A Dad sidled up beside me.

"You put Hershey Kisses and Vanilla wafers at their disposal, fed them cake and Gatorade and tell them not to run?" he asked incredulously.

"Damn straight, Dad, and now I'm sending 'em home," I wanted to answer. But, I wasn't sure if he was joking or blasting my momhood. So, I hedged. "Yes. But, I have to tell you, the energy level was high before the food began."

Plus, most of the food was not eaten by the boys. It was scarfed down by my daughter who was now sitting quietly against the wall, staring out into space due to her self-induced sugar coma.

Was the party that bad, you ask? Probably not. Kids were smiling and my library card wasn't revoked. But, what the hell was I thinking hosting so many boys? Boys will be boys. And most boys were born to be wild.

So, to all you mamas with your growing XY's, this is my friendly PSA to you:
When planning your boy's bday party, think small.