Bushwhacked

"SILENCE!"

That was the only word my grandfather had to shout. Then, the entire room fell quiet. Anyone who was doing anything stopped. And, even though I was the one he was probably yelling at, that single word was beautiful. I was awestruck by how tranquil the world immediately became. That one word and its effect made a lasting impact. I attempted his technique the other day. The Doobies were causing a ruckus which was going to result in a headache or an adoption or both.

"SILENCE!" I yelled at the Doobies. They looked at me for a split second and then resumed Operation Annoy Everyone.

"SILENCE!!!" I tried again. They looked at me and it got worse. They made a mockery of my parenting attempt.

"SILENCE!" Madan yelled at Kaila.

"NO, YOU SILENCE!" Kaila yelled at Madan.

"STOP IT YOU TWO!" I tried.

"SILENCE!" they both screamed at me.

What did my grandfather have that I didn't? Oh, yes. Now I remember. Free hands. Threats back then were not empty. If you didn't simmer down when he yelled, bottoms were slapped silly. Because of that, kids listened and social services did not show up. My technique needed to change with the times. I took a moment to think. In the meantime, the kids calmed down. Ten minutes later, Kaila was still coloring nicely and Madan was RAZ reading on the laptop. I decided to ambush them.

"Both of you! Go to timeout!" I said straightfaced.

"What, mama?" Kaila asked, very confused.

"You're joking, right?" Madan asked hopefully.

"No. Both of you are in big trouble. You need to take a timeout."

"Why?" they sang in unison.

"You should know." I said because I had no fucking clue what to tell them.

They sat there perplexed, not sure what to make of me, wondering if I had finally lost my mind. My plan was working. I wanted to them to think their mama was crazier than a shithouse rat. That way, they'd always be on their toes. You never know what crazy might do next so don't step out of line.

I finally let them off the hook. Relief washed over their temporarily-innocent faces.

"Mama?"

"Yes, Kaila?"

"We're good kids, but sometimes we need a timeout, right?"

Yes. Or a good bushwhacking.