Screw Calgon. I want the funny farm to take me away.

Remember the Calgon commercial? A woman in a fluffy robe is surrounded by chaos in her home. She screams, "Calgon, take me away!" The next scene shows her bathing in a quiet room. Totally relaxed.

Um. Yeah, whatever, beeyach. That scene is ridonkulous. A bath? Hell, I can't even shower without interruption. Because of my kids, getting ready takes at least six hours and I still forget half my routine.

The other day, I attempted to shower with two kids on the loose in the house. I cranked the water and stepped into the steamy sauna. I didn't lock the bathroom door. I'm a mother, remember? There's no modesty any more. What's mine is for all to see and to point at, laugh at and/or question ad nauseum. Right, Madan?

No sooner had the shampoo hit my hair when I spied a Doobie standing on the other side of the glass, staring up at me like I was a zoo animal.

"Can I help you?"

"Um, Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I was opening my blinds and this fell off." Madan was holding a valance.

"How the hell...?"I wondered "Okay. Put it on top of your bed and shut the bathroom door behind you. The neighbors just got three minutes of me in all my glory. Thanks."

I started rinsing the shampoo out.

"MOM! Guess what?"

"What now?"

"Kaila and I opened our piggy banks. I traded her all my dimes for her dollars. Isn't that great?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," I mumbled. "NOOOOO! You can't do that!" I shouted from the steamy stall. "Trade it all back!"

"Why?"

"What you did is NOT FAIR!"

"But she agreed!"

"She doesn't know what she's doing! She's FOUR! She doesn't even know how to put her underwear on the right way! Dude. I'm in the shower. Are we really having this debate right now?"

Madan looked at me, exasperated, and stormed off. Luckily, he shut the bathroom door again before the neighbors had time to take pictures.

I reached for the conditioner. I heard a glass tip over.

"DOOBIES! What was THAT?" My soaked head was sticking out of the shower.

Madan was suddenly standing in the bathroom again. "Oh, it was nothing, Mom. Kaila was bowling and knocked a glass over."

"Bowling? How did...never mind. Did anything break?"

"Um, no. I don't think so."

I considered skipping the rinse cycle right then, but figured I'd hear crying if anything serious happened so I persevered. I even considered shaving my legs. What the hell was I thinking? That would be begging for trouble. Dejected, I started rinsing the conditioner out.

"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

Shit. This time it was Kaila. And, whatever she needed would probably take three hours to do and involve tape, scissors, stickers, glitter, napkins, pipe cleaners, a hole puncher and six stuffed animals. Minimum.

"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

"What, honey?" I managed through gritted teeth.

"Can I have some glue?"

Glue. WTF. I'm completely naked, in the shower and girlfriend wants me to get her some glue.

"Kaila."

"What?"

"What am I doing?"

"Taking a shower?"

"When do you think I can get you glue?"

"When you're done."

"Good."

"Can I have the glue now?"

I considered killing myself with the unused razor blade. But, I don't think you can kill yourself with a Mach 3. (Can you?) My thoughts were interrupted by another crash. Oh, for fuck's sake!

"DOOBIES! What was THAT?"

Madan was in the bathroom AGAIN. The kid could probably sketch me naked from memory.

"Oh, nothing. I was just bringing something up from the basement."

"What is it?" I was now squinting through fogged-up glass, trying to catch a glimpse of what he was up to. He darted off before I could figure it out. No matter because he ran back seconds later, crying.

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"Kaila's touching my clock radio. I told her not to, but she won't listen. SHE. IS. TOUCHING. IT!"

I shut the water off. I flung a robe on. I shut the kids up. I still had a long way to go before being presentable in public. I looked at my sweatpants from the night before that were lying on the floor. I shrugged. I smelled. I put them back on. I needed all the minutes I could muster for my make up.

Screw Calgon. I want the funny farm to take me away.