The more you can do. The more you can do.

Careful. This is a long one.

This has been a week of firsts. Madan started school and Kaila started walking into walls. It might have something to do with her illness last week, but I think it has more to do with sibling rivalry and the desire for attention. Or perhaps not.

As you may know, Kaila's insides exploded out into my car 1 1/2 weeks ago. Since the, we've purchased a new car (not entirely related) and she's gotten better. But, a few days ago, we noticed that despite not having any beers, she was acting drunk. She couldn't walk a straight line and our walls were becoming bumper pads. In soccer practice, she was running sideways despite facing forward. It was weird. I called the doctor. Warning: If you don't like timelines, leave now. But, the purpose of my writing it is to provide a PSA for ataxia (or whatever she ends up having) and to emphasize how important it is to take healthcare into your own hands. I've long known that you need to be your own advocate to get quality care and answers in a timely fashion. But, this experience really opened my eyes to the incredible bureaucracy that exists and how even the best doctors can be the worst communicators. If Kaila's illness turns out to be very serious, I am going to look back and be incredibly pissed -- as opposed to just being incredibly annoyed. If you want to know why, read on. But, I have to tell you it's detailed and could be boring. Continue at your own risk!


Thursday
9am
Visit Pediatrician to get the littlest Doobie checked out. Dr. L watched her walk, point, stand on one leg and a variety of other balance/coordination tests. Then, he looked in her ears. They were fine. My heart sunk. Crap. Her equilibrium was off due to other reasons. A bunch of terms like ataxia, cerebellum something and other scary stuff tossed around. Sent to neurologist at Cleveland Clinic main campus.

10:40am
Arrive at main campus 10 minutes late. Have 5 minutes to find Building S before "grace period" is over. Sprint with 33 lb child through parking garage, into elevator, through a tunnel, up escalator into building S. Arrive at 6th floor at 10:45am. O.J.'s got nothing on me.

12:30am
Resident finally arrives and explains that we're in a "learning hospital." Fuck. Daughter and I were p.o.'d, but for different reasons. Scored a pack of crackers so she'd cooperate for his examination which included questions like, "does she drink and is there a chance she could be pregnant?" I score three more lollipops and resident leaves. Doc finally shows up, refutes most of resident's findings and orders an MRI for Kaila. Throws around stuff like: ataxia, cerebellar dysmetria, dysdiadochokinesia. Suddenly, I realize that my advertising major cannot help me now. I silently wish for access to Wikipedia to keep up. I then mention that we're leaving for Hilton Head in two days. He gets her scheduled same-day for the MRI. We head down to radiology. Before leaving, doc says, if she throws up call the office immediately as that is symptomatic of deeper problems. Great.

2:30pm
Radiology realizes Kaila has eaten a pack of crackers, three lollipops and breakfast. Since her MRI requires general anesthesia which requires 8 hours of fasting, the plan is scrapped. But Doc still wants blood work. We head to the cafeteria for a late lunch where I get to explain what drawing blood feels like. Promise to get Kaila a Little Pet Shop Toy. She seems cool with the whole thing, but I'm not totally convinced.

3:00pm
Awesome gay nurse greets us at the bloodletting lab. Gives Kaila stickers and tells her she has great hair. I offer to cover her eyes, but she declines. Watches nurse draw blood and exclaims, "This doesn't hurt a bit." Nurse and I exchange "wow" glances. I secretly wish he would have told me he liked my hair, too. Can't win 'em all.

4:30pm
Arrive at home. Kaila still passed out and drooling.

6:00pm
Take kids to soccer practice. Kaila runs sideways up and down the field, but amazingly does not take a header for the entire hour. Mike and I are amazed. Get home and get kids to bed.

Friday
9:50am
Kaila pukes while I'm at spinning. Upon arriving home, I demand excruciating details from Mike about the event. How much? What color? What sound did she make? I have gone insane. I ponder the answers then resume barking questions at husband b/c still not satisfied with level of detail.

10am
Call #1 to doc's office. Explain situation. Idiot who answered phone tells me doc has 24-48 hours to call back. I tell her that he may want to call sooner since throwing up is symptomatic of a brain tumor. Beeyach. Intuition tells me she puts pink phone slip in a mailbox he'll never see.

12noon
Call #2 to doc's office. Receptionist says doc and nurse not at desk. Will give them a message. Intuition tells me another pink slip is going into the abyss.

2pm
Lucky break. Radiology calls to reschedule Kaila's MRI. Mention that doc has gone AWOL and is giving me cold shoulder. Proactive Radiology nurse mutters clinical equivalent of WTF? and calls doc's office. Minutes later, she calls back. Says doc isn't in the office and is working at Shaker. Gives me phone number. Call Shaker and leave message. Curse the other two message takers and their mothers.

3pm
Doc finally calls. Says, can't do MRI b/c she's eaten. No shit, I say, "That's why I've been calling you since 10am. I can't starve my child on what ifs." Doc orders a CT brain scan.

3:30pm
Awesome peeps from Radiology call, say get down here stat. Order family to go to bathroom, including Mike. Throw everyone into car and race to main campus breaking speed limits and sound barrier.

4:15pm
Sitting in dump of a Waiting room. Madan whining about being bored. I threaten to give him an IV if he doesn't knock it off.

5:00pm
Kaila watches the nurse put the IV in and claims, "It doesn't hurt at all." We wait. And wait, and wait. Four Sponge Bob episodes later, Mike and I are looking for a scalpel to commit hari kari. Finally we get called into the scanning room.

6:25pm
I am now wearing an incredibly hot lead apron, holding Kaila's hand. We laugh over how stupid I look. A big circle is moving back and forth over her head, taking pictures. Her eyeballs are wide with worry wondering what the hell is going on. Mine are, too. I tell her she can pick out any toy she wants from Target. She says she's down with that and I believe it.

6:30pm
Done. Yup. That quick. Family dinner in the cafeteria. Mike and I debate why the veggie burger has more calories than the turkey burger. Finish eating. I begin making calls to doctor to get results of brain scan. Doc nowhere to be found. Radiology pages him for me and just like all my first dates, he never calls back. Radiology helps me out again and gives me nurse on call. Nurse pages doc. By this time, we're in our car, heading to Target. Neurologist on call, phones me. Bluetooth phone in new car picks up instead of my cell phone. We can't connect. I freak out and scream at Mike to turn off the road and kill the engine. I turn the ignition off mid-drive, Mike politely yells, "What the hell are you doing?" I don't answer. Furiously pounding the "answer" key on the Blackberry screaming words Madan has never heard before. Finally, the call gets through, tests are normal. We are relieved. We head to Target to pick out some toys. Kids finally in bed by 9:30pm. Mike and I drink some beer and begin packing for Hilton Head.

Saturday
7:00
Leave for airport. Pick up Grandma. Get to airport. Wait in security line. Kaila throws up. (Yup.) Luckily, Kaila decided she wanted to wear her hospital bracelet and I start speaking loudly about her brain scan. That way, no one thinks she has swine flu. We get to the gate and I start pounding numbers into my cell phone. Get nurse on call who pages the neurologist on call. Plane is boarding in 5 minutes and I don't know whether to get on or get out. Mid-sentence with the doc, cell phone fails and hangs up. I curse RIM, Verizon and everything else. Furiously dial again, get back with resident who first misunderstands everything I'm saying, but eventually approves the trip, but tells me to make sure we know where the nearest ER is and to keep her hydrated.

11am
We are in air, en route to Atlanta. Kaila is happily playing with her new Pet Shop toys while I have stolen barf bags from all the seats around me. So far, no puke. Keep your fingers crossed.

2:30pm
The Eagle has landed without incident. I took out three old people at Savanna baggage claim. I apologized, but secretly, it felt good to release some anger. Kaila's not the only one sick in the head, I guess. We are now in a horrible rental car eating cereal bars and hoping for a calm, relaxing, regurgitation-free vacation.

Hopefully, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law got to the house before us and stocked up on beer. Kaila shouldn't be the only "drunk" one in the house.