The Sleep Whisperer and Doug Flutie

You never know when the idea for a post might hit you -- or, in this case, kick you. It was 3am and I woke up with a jolt. Mike was kicking the shit out of the bed. I wasn't unnerved. I've been happily married to a sleep talker/walker for 9 years. In that time, I've learned to embrace the theatrics and sometimes even join in the act.

Mike, what are you kicking?

THAT MOOSE! He's trying to get us. But, I'm pinned between the garage and the car. I'm STUCK!

[Attempting humor at 3am] Okay, no more Edy's Moose Tracks before bedtime for you.

It's not ice cream. And it's Fudge Tracks. It's REAL. I was screaming for help but no one came!

[I was incredulous. He actually corrected the name of the ice cream while dead asleep. I decided to see if I was in the dream, too.] I was there. I punched the moose for you! Didn't you see me?

NO! No one came! Madan kept tripping over the antlers. It was just the horse.

[Great. Another dream where I failed my husband.] Wait. A moose or a horse?

A MOOSE!

Did you know we moved to an area in Ohio that does not have a moose population? It was a dream. Go back to sleep. We are all safe from the evil Moose A. Moose. Good night!

It was so real.

I love Mike's sleep drama. It's like talking to a lunatic without the risks. Luckily, I'm a light sleeper so I can get control of the situation before it gets too out of hand. There have been times when he jumps on the bed to avoid the snakes. Other times, he's working spreadsheets in Excel. While vacationing in Spain, he evidently scored a winning TD pass while sawing logs. To paraphrase Mr. Gump: Mike's episodes are definitely like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get -- and that's grand.

The weirdest theatrics occurred immediately after Madan was born. Doobie was just a week old and Mike had just completed one of GE's Six Sigma training courses. I awoke and found Mike frantically searching under the covers. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he nonchalantly said, "The little one got away. He needs to get his yellow belt." Boy, talk about demanding. Poor Similac child, Daddy has grandiose plans for you.

I slept outside of Madan's room that night, afraid Mike's next dream would be about Doug Flutie's 1984 "Hail Mary" TD pass. I didn't want my little Doobie hurled down the street. After all, Mike has been known to throw winning TDs in Spain.