WTF?! Wednesday: Goo goo goo. Ga ga ga. I don't want to talk to you.

Today's WTF?! is courtesy of overage baby babblers.

Do you know why it's called "baby talk"? Because it's for babies. That generally means ages 0-24 months, although I'll cut toddlers and those with genuine speech impediments some slack. But, not the adults. Once you know how to use consonants and vowels as they were intended, please do so. Don't add Ws, Bs, Hs, Ys, etc. where they have no business being. Don't make up nonsense words for other words. Don't rhyme shit with silly words just because you can -- and because you think it's cutesy poo. It's not cutesy. It's just poo. Steamy, yucky poopy doopy poo.

WTF?!, baby talkers? What's wrong with your own voice?

I was, um, visiting Jupiter*, the other day with the kids. We met a very nice mom who had a daughter close to Kaila's age. The conversation between us started off in regular English. But, once she started talking to her daughter, things started rhyming, words started dragging onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and I started praying that something would fall from the sky and render my family unconscious. Yes. All of us.

I'll spare you the dialogue. I don't even think I can reenact it. But, here's what I decided. If you're baby talkin' to your kid, I'm Jive talkin' to mine. Now, of course I searched everywhere for a Jive dictionary. Unfortunately, the only glimpse of Jive I found comes courtesy of The Dialectizer which my gut tells me is not true Jive.

Regardless, here's how my next conversation at the park, I mean Jupiter, is gonna go down. The translation is courtesy of The Dialectizer. Where are the brothers from Airplane when you need 'em?

Whut's down daughter? You's hungry? Let's leave dis moda' and go t'Yo's Truly.

Sho' man, mom. WORD! Dat sounds great. Man! Can ah' get some ice cream, too?

No way. Slap mah fro! You's plum had some. And, it'll make ya' fat. Man! You's need t'eat healdy.

If ya' duzn't steal me some, I'll baby rap de whole way to de crib.

If Jive is too daunting for you, try the "Yoda" approach. I admit, I talk like this to my son. I'm sure he thinks I'm a retard. I'm sure he's right.

What's up, daughter, hmm? Hungry, are you, hmm? Leave this place and to go Your's Truly, let us.

Sure, mom. That sounds great! Some ice cream, I can get, too, hmm?

No. You already had some. And, make you fat, it will. To eat healthy you need!

If me some you buy not, baby talk the whole way home, I will.

*in-Jive: Okay, so's I lied. We wuz not on de planet Jdowniter. Ah be baaad... ah' plum dun didn't dink it would be right t'say Chagrin Falls Riverside Park. Just kiddin'. Still not da damn real venue. What it is, Mama! I'm not tellin'.

*in Yoda-speak: Okay, so I lied. We were on the planet Jupiter not. I just did think it would be right to say Chagrin Falls Riverside Park not. Just kidding. The real venue that is still not.