Nightmare on "helm street"

First Mate Mike looks on as the Doobies fake fascination over a box of crayons.

I no longer have job security as Captain of the SS Morris. Someone else has proved himself capable of steering the rudders and avoiding icebergs. I'd get my resume in order, but where would I go? I have no desire to be on Wife Swap. I've got great kids and a great husband. I'd have to think long and hard about trading my charmed life for that of an Alabama family who recreates the 1840s pioneer lifestyle or sticking the family with a woman who embraces Goth culture and picnics in graveyards. So, I'm staying, but I'm upping the ante. Today I washed bedsheets and cleaned bathrooms -- before they got dirty. A preemptive strike! I'm going to have dinner ready ahead of time. Planning! The house will be clean. The unexpected! I've got this captain thing in the bag. But, it's good to know I have a great First Mate.

Yesterday was the first day of school for the Doobies. My eyes popped opened at 5am. I ran to the bathroom and subsequently lost my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Luckily, there was still a lump in bed. At 6am, the lump started stirring.

"You okay?" asked the lump.

"No."

"Uh-oh."

It's every husband's nightmare. The incapacitated Mom. I looked at the clock. I had a little over two hours to pull myself together and get the Doobies out the door. Today was their first day of school. I slowly made my way downstairs but promptly did a U-turn before I got there.

I shifted the helm and my First Mate swung into action.

Apples were sliced. Waffles were made. Milk was poured. Beds were made. Teeth were brushed. Hair was combed. Kids were dressed. Backpacks were stuffed. Pictures were taken. Everyone was off -- on time and without incident.

I remember a time when this would have been impossible. A time when my husband wasn't quite capable to fill my Sperry Top-Siders without having to ask a million questions or doing something so far from the norm that the kids would yell, "That's not right. That's not how Mom does it!!!! WAAAAAH!"

But now, we have a real honest-to-goodness job share. He can pick up where I've left off and navigate the waters without capsizing. We're a true team. We're Skipper and Gilligan. Thurston Howell, III and Lovey. Professor and Ginger and Mary Ann. Oops. I got carried away there and almost introduced a threesome. Okay. We're Skipper and Gilligan sans shipwreck.

So, kudos to Mike for being an exceptional First Mate! Maybe I should abandon ship more often.


Kaila sports her Land's End's night-school backpack.