I believe I've found something more difficult to get rid of than lice.
Glitter.
!@#*& !(*@&#(*@& GLITTER!
Kaila discovered the microscopic sparkly flecks of misery the other day thanks to the sick peeps at Crayola. A well-intentioned friend gave her Color Wonder Glitter Paper -- 12 sheets of Disney Princesses glitted up for her enjoyment. All she had to do was color them in. The packaging with its smiling faces promises, "Mess Free...The magic of color without the mess...Glitter is on the paper!" A ream of Color Wonder sheets later, I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to stop random parts of my house from radiating purple, pink and green. The counters, the refrigerator, the floors, the chairs, the sink, the utensils, the remote control, my Blackberry -- my face. Yes. The last time I saw myself in the mirror, I had fucking glitter ON MY FACE despite never touching Kaila's craft.
Thanks to Crayola and the Disney Princess biatches, I've been destined to the life of Cinderella -- unfortunately, pre-fairy godmother. For the past three days, I've vacuumed the floors, the carpet, the chairs, the kitchen table, my Blackberry -- MY FACE. When finished, it appears that the glitter is gone. But, the next day, it's back. Sparkling and taunting me. I don't know if it escaped from the vacuum, if it reproduces or if some sick princess is throwing it around willy-nilly after I go to bed.
Desperate, I consulted The Google. "HOW DO I GET RID OF GLITTER?" my aching dishpan hands typed as the tears flowed over my sparkly cheeks. (Which, I must admit, would have looked damn spectacular if the glitter was bronze instead of purple, pink and green. Not my colors.)
The Google spat back:
All that glitters is definitely not gold.
4 comments:
Your posting had me hysterical! I'm not a mom (yet) but I've had my share of glitter catastrophes. One of my best friends from childhood is obsessed with glitter and puts it on just about anything she can think of - invitations, ornaments, gift wrap... I think one of my biggest fears came true when I found remnants of her glitter creation on my husband's face. I wish you luck in your glitter battle!
Thank you, Kim! I'm losing the battle, but I know with a surge of good housekeeping I can win the war.
Your funny! Your views and ideas are what most Mom's are thinking but I got to drop reading your stuff. I can't stand the potty mouth. Good Luck!
Oh, shi -- I mean crap. I could say what I said to all the exes who have dumped me -- that you'll never find another one like me, as cool as me and as fun and fiercely loyal, but I'll take the high road and say happy reading! We can still be friends except I don't know who you are. Regardless, we'll miss you, whoever you are, anonymous ex-reader!
Post a Comment