Nothin' but Neti.

"Hi, Mom!"

"You sound sick. Are you sick?!?!?!"

Shit. I thought I faked it well enough so she couldn't tell. But, a cough sneaked in. Here comes the lecture on eating right, sleeping right, drinking more water and less beer. Damn throat.

"Noooooooo. It's just a sinus infection."

"Now, you listen to me..."

Shit. Here comes a Hindu homeopathic remedy. Unfortunately, my Mom's voodoo is never as enticing as my aunt's who once proclaimed that a heavily-poured Hot Toddy was the cure-all.

"Now, I know you never want to hear my ideas, but you listen. Your cousin was just here and he was so sick. He could barely talk. I gave him my Neti Pot and the next day he was all better. He was talking to everyone!"

My brain immediately regressed to 1st grade. You shared your booger pot? Ewwwwww. But, then I remembered that many of my friends swear by these. My Mom interrupted my juvenile thoughts, "You must buy Neti Pot. Go to Bed Bath Beyond today. Do it."

I actually decided to humor my Mom. I took my 20% off coupon and hightailed it to the home goods store and got me a Neti knock-off. It reminded me of a Genie lamp. Hopefully it worked like one because I wished my sinus infection away. Far away. I showed my purchase to Mike and explained the concept behind it. He was looking at his NCAA brackets and I wasn't sure he was really listening until...

"So, it's like a douche for your nose?"

"Yes. If we're putting it in terms you'd understand." Leave it to my husband to piss in my pot. "Go back to your brackets."

I opened the instructions. There was a picture of a woman, Neti Pot spout up one nostril and Niagara Falls gushing out the other. The image was completely unnerving and thoroughly disgusting, but she was smiling. That will be me, I thought.

"Look!" I said to Mike, "See how happy she is? Isn't that awesome?"

"Do you think anyone ever used that as a tea pot by mistake? Could you imagine? Oh, how cute! I'm going to pour myself a cup of..."

I snatched my pot from Mike and cursed him, "Oh, laugh now, but you will cry for Neti the next time you have a cold. Remember how you coughed for weeks and then begged me to rub Vicks on your feet? Sometimes this shit really works. Don't poo-poo the pot!" I said, running up the stairs into the bathroom.

I looked at the little pot. I wondered if it was invented by the Dharma Initiative. I have to admit, I was nervous. I took a deep breath and shoved the spout in and made the mistake of trying to see myself in the bathroom mirror. Why I wanted to witness the act, I have no idea. I started coughing up salt water and my forehead began to itch.

Focus idiot, I thought. I raised the pot. I tilted my head. I arced my wrist and gave it my best shot. It was working. It felt gooooooooooooooooood. I could hear my nasal passages cheering. Nothin' but Neti, baby.