Six days into our move and the house is in good shape. I, on the other hand, am beginning to resemble a pear and need some shaping up. So, I took my atrophying ass to the gym today. Lifetime Fitness, to be exact. It's a little far from the crib, but I heard so much about this health mecca that I had to go experience it.
I walked through the glass doors. To my left, people were getting their hair done. To my right, people were enjoying smoothies, protein shakes, burritos! Above me were rows and rows of treadmills. Around the corner there were pools, a rock wall, basketball courts, daycare filled with child zombies watching TV. There were also free towels. SOLD! This place was gymgasmic. I wasn't worthy.
I was met by a nice membership dude who took me on the tour. After listening to the obligatory membership spiel, and wondering if the dude smoked or chose his cologne badly, I decided to try out the "Barbell Strength" class. It had the words "barbell" and "strength" in the name so I figured it had to be close to my former pump class. Bingo! I ain't no dumbell.
Everyone had claimed their spots. I found an open space around the perimeter and set up shop. I decided to engage the woman next to me in conversation and see what the class was all about.
"Hi! This is my first time here. Anything I need to know?"
"Hi! Just get a step, a bar and some weights. But, if it's your first time, go light."
Oh no, she didn't. Did girlfriend just tell me to "go light?"
"Go light?!?!? Get bent!" I considered offering back. Luckily, the mature me prevailed. I smiled, thanked her for the incredibly useful advice and set off in search of the biggest, baddest weights I could carry. So petty.
For the next 45 minutes, I hoisted the heaviest mother fucking weights I could muster in hopes of impressing upon this woman, the seriousness of my guns. I wanted her to acknowledge the "go light" mistake, admit she should never judge a twig by its cover and bow to me, the tiny, but mighty Indian.
Finally, class ended. We stretched. People clapped. Others groaned. I waited for nemesis to establish eye contact. It never happened. My plan must have worked too well, I thought. Instead of coaxing a single compliment from her like, "Wow! You sure are strong for an 18-year old. Oh, you're the mother of two? Well, you are SUPER HOT, then! Will you be my gym BFF?" my blazing guns of glory must have intimidated her. "Hmmm," I thought, "How on Earth will I make any friends if the big gun show scares people away?"
Next time I'll lighten up.
4 comments:
That was a great recap of the "first time at a new gym" experience. I dealt with it last year at Elite and while I didn't have any big guns to show off, I do, fondly remember the days of going to a gym and not knowing anyone...or even just going to a gym on a regular basis, which I am not doing, whatsoever as of lately. Oh how I miss the gym. Good luck with the guns! I would have been impressed...
LOL. The Lifetime Fitness in Beachwood opens Saturday and I can't wait. I'll be sure to stay far away from the dumbell class. Unlike you, I do not have anything that resembles guns.
Classic.
My guns are really squirt guns.
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