"STOP IT! What is wrong with you two? Can't you behave like two human beings?!?!?"
The Doobies were fighting again. In retrospect, they were behaving like human beings. Just two really bad ones.
"Will Santa see?" Kaila asked, worriedly.
"Yes. He knows everything..." I started to answer. But, then I stopped. This Santa crap was bullshit. Why did I need a fat guy in a tacky red suit to run interference for me? The other 11 months out of the year, I was the one the kids answered to. I didn't have to threaten to withhold gifts for poor behavior. I simply said knock it off and levied the time outs if they didn't. I've grown weary of summoning Santa's name every time hell breaks loose in the hizzouse. Screw Santa. I'm selling him out, I decided.
"Santa knows nothing." I said.
"NO! You're WRONG! He knows EVERYTHING!" Madan yelled.
I stood there. Hands on hips. It was time to level with the kids. It was time to tell them the truth about Christmas. They were old enough and I was tired of Mr. Claus getting more respect than me.
"Santa does not know what every kid in the world is doing. And, he doesn't rely on the elves. In fact, Santa doesn't have a CLUE. Do you want to know how he REALLY knows what you've been up to?"
The Doobies were staring at me wide-eyed. Yes, they mouthed, drooling. I was loving the attention.
"He talks to your mothers."
They looked at me, totally confused.
"Santa counts on us," I said pointing to myself. "He talks to Moms and Dads to find out what you've been up to. So, if you're acting like a moron, it's me who tells him. If you're good, it's me who tells him. If you kick your sister or lick your brother, he finds out from me. So, that means, I'm the one who ultimately decides whether you get a cool gift or a lump of coal. ME. ME. ME. Santa's information comes from ME."
The Doobies looked at each other. I knew what they were thinking: They were fucked.
"How?"
Damn Kindergarten. It was teaching Madan to think.
"I email him."
"I want to email him."
"You can't. He only accepts email from parents. Imagine if every kid emailed him! He'd never have time to deliver the presents. And, isn't that what Christmas is all about?"
They were staring. They shrugged. They went back to fighting.
"Stop it," I yelled, "or I'll tell Santa!"
4 comments:
ha i love the answer. Going to have to find his email address. we have gone so low to get a guy friend of mine to act as if he was santa.
Great thinking ... great plan. I've tried something similar, except I've got one kid who is starting to think Santa is NOT real and one little missy who firmly believes ...
If our package doesnt arrive in time from the States, their hopes will be dashed in both their mother AND Santa!
Have you heard of "Elf on a Shelf" -- just heard about it recently off a friend's FB page. Anyhow, you have this Elf doll that sits in your house, and every night it reports back to Santa. The doll is creepy to me and would scare me straight, but anyhow, perhaps the Sonali doll can sit in for the Elf! ;)
Elf on a Shelf: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Elf-on-the-Shelf/Carol-V-Aebersold/e/9780976990796/?itm=1&USRI=elf+on+a+shelf
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