All I want for Xmas is no spew.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing you because I think you must have some influence with my guys upstairs. I've been good this year. I've rolled with the punches, accepted the fact that we're relocating and played with the kids a few times. I even ate a piece of fruit a few months ago. So, why am I being punished by the Hindu Gods? I've got to think that y'all talk and share notes. Don't you travel on the same party circuit? See, the deities ain't too happy with me. Maybe it's because I said I have no idea what happens at temple. Maybe it's because I dress my daughter in fierce skull knee socks and let her eat McDonald's and name her Happy Meal Avatar "Butt Crack." Or, maybe it's because I haven't eaten Indian food in two weeks, plan to get shitty drunk on my birthday and download the explicit versions of songs on iTunes.

Whatever the reason, I've been losing major points with the Bhagavāns. But, the way they've been handling it has been so incredibly high school. First, they let my son get strep and miss his school show, school party and bus fiesta. I got antibiotics and showed them who was in charge. But, today. Today they tested my mettle. They had Madan projectile puke all over the leather couch. Good thing we're moving. Bad thing we still need the couch. Great thing I stocked up on Pinesol, Lysol and Goose Island awhile ago.

So Santa, I need you to run interference and pass along a message to the Devas. It's not short. It's not sweet. But, it gets the point across. The message is, "WTF?!?!? We are moving in six days and I don't have time for this bullshit. Seriously. Do I really need to be sanitizing furniture right now and adding to my staggering piles of laundry? Was having Madan give his stuffed animals a chunky soup shower a vital component of my day?" This lady doth protest.

Santa, you know I've been good. You know I mean well. I would gladly give up one small gift (maybe a stocking stuffer) if you would do me a favor. At the next Xmas fete, please tell the Hindu Bloods and Crips to back the hell off. Otherwise, I'll sic my new neighbors, Kid and Slim, on their brown butts.

Merry Christmas!

Signed,
Yo Mama Morris

P.S. "Hi!" to Rudolph and was that Vixen doing shots at the 'ville last night? Sooo naughty!