The best of craigslist

I received a check for $3,000 today. Yes. My Nigerian friend who I impolitely told to "fuck off" and "get an honest job" actually had the gonads to cut me a check thinking I'd actually fall for his advanced fee scam. Craigslist yields an interesting cast of characters. Total retards. Total scammers. Total comedians. I took a look at the "best of" section on Craigslist. There's some pretty funny shit out there. Here's a random sampling for your viewing pleasure.

in a well, need ladder

Date: 2009-09-11, 4:13PM EDT

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I'm offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won't come because they think i'm joking. I'm definitely NOT... I have water but have not eaten in two days.

Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I'm going to find you and do terrible thing to you.

You hit me with your Prius

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Date: 2009-07-25, 3:23PM PDT

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Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.
You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

Porn laptop

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Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

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I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

Behind you in line at DQ - m4w

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Date: 2009-09-04, 4:50PM PDT

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I was in line at the DQ on 6th getting mother's usual order of 3 hot dogs and onion rings. I was looking down at my Gameboy, not paying attention to the line when I felt the warm breeze hit my legs. I looked up from my Pokemon battle and there you were. 5'2, about 315 lbs. You had the remnants of your first two DQ orders stuck in your teeth, which were so gnarled, I could see them from the back.

You were polishing off a Dilly Bar when the methane cloud rose to my nostrils, curling my nose hairs. It was an aroma that could only be produced by a goddess. As I felched it, I detected a hit of salmon as well as delicate notes of chili. Subtle overtones of movie theater style butter pop corn were soon overpowered by the second wave, which brought a strong scent and taste of corned beef and cabbage. (Mmmmmmm...)

I could see the gas bubble trying to escape from your neoprene-esque tights, most of which were so far up your crack, I debated momentarily whether they were actually two pairs of pants, each housing one of your delightful cankles. The outline of your swollen, probably irritated pachyderm knuckle made me picture a furry cantaloupe split perfectly down the middle, complete with crateresque dimples. This image only further infuriated my raging erection. I struggled to contain my three inches until I eventually prematurely ejaculated. It might have been embarrassing had I not been wearing pajamas with the feet in them under my value brand khakis.

I know you will probably never read this, as I heard you commenting to the store clerk that you could not read, and proceeded to order by pointing at pictures and grunting. But I had to share my story.

I hope to see you again some day. And if by some chance someone reads this to you, please do not shave, I really liked your mustache.

i need help moving my chickens

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Date: 2009-07-26, 11:04PM CDT

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I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

condoms and door knobs.

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Date: 2009-09-06, 10:46PM CDT

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I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.