What Bugs Soccer Thugs?

Saturday's soccer game got a bit physical. Our team looked good. The kids played hard. The kids played clean. One playah, on the opposing team, evidently didn't care for this nice sportsmanship conduct stuff. He decided to take matters -- and jerseys -- into his own hands. Or, maybe he had a cotton/polyester fetish. I wasn't sure. But, after he grabbed my son's jersey for the sixth time, I had enough.

"HOLDING!"

Of course, I was joking. This was Kindergarten soccer. I wasn't about to start a fight. That's what high school soccer is for. Got to save my vitriol for the big leagues.

I don't even know if holding is a penalty in soccer. I was having a good time cheering and joking. I didn't really care that this pint-sized punk thought playing soccer meant using hockey goon moves to stop the ball. So, a bunch of us watched. We called "holding" and laughed because we knew how retarded we sounded. But, there was a bigger retard among us. Goonie's mama who I will refer to as Momron.

"OMG! Did you see that? That kid just pushed my son!" Momron was venting to her friendrons. She was upset that one of our players lightly brushed her son's jersey. The horror! Will Oxyclean get the germs off? Meanwhile, our children were getting elbowed, kicked, pulled and practically molested before our eyes.

Momron must be sleeping with Goonie's coach, "Stevie Wonder" because he did nothing to correct the behavior. Even the soccer Dads noticed Goonie's antics. You know it's a big deal when fathers take note. The only thing that captures their attention are a pair of fake DDs or sports on TV. Totally understandable, of course.

So, the game continued. Goonie's arms and elbows continued to commit foul play and Momron bitched and moaned about how unfair life was. Unfair indeed. Little Goonie didn't ask to be born into a cave of neanderthals.

When Mike coached t-ball, the back of his shirt said "Attitudes are contagious." So, true. While the other moms and I joked about our flailing, falling kids, recognizing that no malevolence was intended, the Momron cried foul. My guess is she probably gave Goonie a talkin' to afterwards on how to handle "those nasty little brats" who played soccer the way it was intended.

So Momron, if you're reading this, remember, it's just a game. Attitudes are contagious. Especially shitty ones.