Saved by the Bell

I thought my days of getting in trouble at school were over. But, no. Today, I was called out in the middle of the cafeteria by a five-year old. He (basically) stood on the lunch table, pointed a stubby, marker-stained finger, and just like Donald Sutherland in the last minute of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, let out an ear-piercing shriek, signaling that a fast-food eater was among them. Both scenes are now forever etched in my memory -- and are equally disturbing. Luckily, this time, I did not wet my pants.

Before I tell you why Screech ratted me out, let me give you some background. We decided to have lunch with Madan at Kindergarten today.

1. Because we love him and miss him dearly, and
2. Because our realtor was having a three-hour open house and we were nomads.

I had no time to pack a proper lunch for myself, Kaila and Mike. And, the only fast food place en route was Mickey Ds. Ronald's hizzouse it was.

"Are you sure you can bring this into the school?" Mike asked.

"Of course. All the Moms do it!" I replied.

"It seems that the school would frown upon it," pragmatic husband said.

"Well, I would have packed grilled shrimp and orzo if it weren't for the 20+ strangers having a party in every room of our house," snapped stressed-out mom whose hands were raw from drying the shower with a hand towel. Damn broker open house.

I was careful when I placed the order. No Happy Meal. No fries. No cookies. Kaila got Chicken Selects, albeit only half a nutrition point up from a nugget. Mike and I got grilled chicken wraps. And, just in case anyone questioned my lunch integrity, I threw in some apple dippers, too. If only the order came in a camouflaged bag with a big broccoli sticker on it. At school, I laid the feast out on the table and crumbled up the packaging to hide the evidence in case Mike was right.

The kids marched in. They took their seats. They looked at us like we were aliens. Suddenly, one of them raised his arm, pointed and shrieked: "MADAN! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MCDONALD'S FOR LUNCH!!!!"

Holy hell. Did somebody scream McDonald's? We ignored him, hoping he would become re-interested in his PB&J or start sucking some Gogurt.

"MADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! MADAAAAAAAAAAAAN! MADAAAAAAAAAN!"

Finally, Madan turned around. I wished he could break out some 'hood speak and yell, "What the fuck you want mother fucker?" instead of politely replying, "Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?"

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MCDONALD'S FOR LUNCH."

Madan shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Fuck if I care what you think." But, luckily, Mike's genes kicked in and he politely asked, "Why?"

"LAST TIME SOMEONE BROUGHT MCDONALDS IN FOR LUNCH JIMMY CRIED."

"Who the fuck is Jimmy?" I mouthed to Mike, trying not to laugh, while stuffing my face with golden arch grilled chicken.

"I'M NOT EATING MCDONALD'S. I'M EATING MAC & CHEESE! THEY (pointing repeatedly at us) BROUGHT MCDONALD'S."

Shit. For real? Were we just sold out by a member of the fam? I made a mental note to write Madan out of our will and immediately convert his bedroom into a walk-in closet. Something I had planned to do once he left for college.

Screech summoned the lunch proctor. He lodged a formal complaint. Luckily, she shrugged her shoulders, told him to get over it and walked away. Screech was now shooting us unwavering stink eye.

Um, awkward.

The proctor walked by. I asked her if McDonald's was on the list of things not allowed in school like running, guns, drugs, Crocs.

"The school discourages it, but don't worry about it!"

Oh, snap! F'ing Screech. I was going to the principal's office fo' shizzy. I could just hear it now.

"Mrs. Morris, was bringing McDonald's into the Kindergarten cafeteria a GOOD choice?"

"Um, in retrospect probably not. And, punching out a five-year old probably wasn't so wise either. But, it felt grrrrrrrrrrreat!"

Finally and thankfully, lunch ended. Screech stopped glaring long enough for us to burn all the evidence and speed walk outta there. Next time we'll spring for the $5 foot long. It sure beats the 30-minute unhappy meal.