Cry now. Pay Later.

Listen up, nutty buddies, your mama's decided to get you back for all the pain, suffering and embarrassment you've caused to date. From loudly proclaiming you've gotta take a dump in crowded restaurants to throwing hissy fits in the grocery store, I've been keeping track of all the angst you've caused me. And, one day, when you're much older and understand the necessity of tact, I'm going to pull out the mother of all acts and humiliate your ass.

It might be when you finally bring home your boyfriend to meet the parents. Or, when you are graduating cum laude from an Ivy League college. Maybe during a piano recital or in the middle of your wedding shower with the future in-laws present. Just know, when I act out, it's gonna be soooooo bad, it's good. Even better, I've got lots of years to perfect the plan.

Here's how I think it might go down:

Situation #1: Me meeting Kaila's future husband at a busy, upscale restaurant.

Joe, it's so nice to finally meet you! Mr. Morris and I have really been looking forward to this day. (Waiter sets down plates of food.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HATE PEAS! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME PEAS. GET THEM THE HELL OFF MY PLATE. NOW! NOW! NOW! I WANTED CHICKEN FINGERS AND FRENCH FRIES. NOT THIS. I WANT ICE CREAM. I DON'T WANNA EAT THIS. GIVE ME A POPSICLE. NO! NO! NO!

So, Joe, what is it you do for a living? OH MY GOD. (Holding my crotch.) I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I DON'T HAVE TO GO #2. I HAVE TO GO #1! HURRY UP! I DON'T WANT TO GO IN MY PANTS!

Oh, you're a psychologist? How interesting! OH NO! I DROPPED MY FORK! MY F'ING FORK! I NEED A NEW FORK! I CAN'T EAT WITH THAT ONE. IT'S DIRTY! I WANT TO GO HOME! I HATE THIS PLACE. WHY DON'T YOU EVER TAKE ME TO CHUCK E. CHEESE?

Situation #2: Me meeting Madan's future in-laws:

Hi! So nice to meet you! (Finger up my nose. Eat booger, then extend hand to shake.) Come on in! (Index finger down the back of my pants, most likely in search of place to insert it.) Would you care for an app? (Hand now down the front of my pants simulating whatever it is boys enjoy down there.)

Why don't we sit down? (I sit too close to future in-laws, end up on someone's knee, then lie across their lap until I finally knead someone in the balls and fall to the floor.)

Um, did you know that fat people eat at McDonald's? Do you guys eat there a lot because you're really fat? Hey, wanna play Pac Man? I get to go first because this is my house and you are guests. (Proceed to play Pac Man for next 3 hours, never giving anyone else a turn.)

Situation #3: Kaila's piano recital:
Kaila is playing The Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor "Quasi una fantasia".

Me: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS HURTS MY EARS! CAN WE GO HOME NOW? THIS IS SO BORING. I WISH YOU PLAYED THE THEME SONG TO FAME INSTEAD. THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER.

Kaila finishes. During post-recital reception, she introduces me to her piano teacher. No idea why.

Me: Silence, head down and shaking no.

Kaila: Mom, say hello.

Me: No.

Kaila: Where are your manners?

Me: YOU ARE A SMELLY BUTT FAN POOPIE FACE. YOU STINK LIKE A TOILET. YOU BELONG IN THE TOILET ZOO.

Kaila: That's not very nice.

Me: (Shrug shoulders, fart.) I'M HUNGRY. (Start touching all the crackers until I find one I like. Take a bite and put back on plate.) EWWWWWWWWWWW! I HATE THAT CRACKER. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR PURSE? I'M STARVING! (Proceed to pee in pants in front of everyone. Shrug. Start touching crackers again.)


So Doobies, listen up. The worse you are now, the worse I'll be later. And, I promise, it will be more embarrassing than anything Kanye West has ever done. But, if you act like angels, I promise to be on my best behavior for all your really important life events. Deal or no deal?