[Knocking on my head] Because when I do this, my teeth hurt.
My aunt cocked her head, shot me a puzzled look and walked away. But, she’s Indian so she couldn’t leave me hanging. Indians have a solution for everything, albeit strange ones that involve home remedies like that of witch doctors.
You need to eat peppercorns. Do you have any? Wait. No.You actually need to have garlic, peppercorn, turmeric and [a whole bunch of other disgusting stuff that I can’t remember].
So the puking will take my mind off the sinus infection? (And vampires won’t bite me.)
She shot me an exasparated look. Indians don’t like it when you mock their remedies.
Do you drink Scotch?
I wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but since it involved alcohol, I was game. Plus, all Indians love Scotch.
Are you suggesting I keep drinking until I pass out? Because, I’m down with that.
(Ignoring me.) You need a Hot Toddy. I’m going to mix you one.
My aunt returned w/ a concoction of Scotch, honey and warm water.
When she wasn’t looking, I took a Tylenol PM, knocked it back with her solution and went to bed. I slept like a rock. Of course, I gave her all the credit the next morning. (Indians love it when they’re right. Sorry, J&J.)
Emboldened by her victory, my Aunt hurled a combination of Zinc and Vitamin C pills at me the next morning. No matter that I was already sky-high on Sudafed and allergy medication. She insisted this was necessary. Sometimes it’s easier to go with it than explain why popping more pills might result in an Anna Nicole situation.
That night, the Hot Toddy was pushed again. But, I needed variety. I opted for a Vodka Tonic and got indirectly chastised by my Aunt and my Grandmother.
[Pointing at me and my drink, speaking Gujarati] LOOK! SHE has a sinus infection and SHE is having a drink with ice. ICE! Can you believe it?
[Pointing at me, shaking her head, speaking Gujarati] That is so bad. So, very bad. Why is SHE doing that? Ice is so bad. It’s so COLD! Tell her that SHE shouldn't drink THAT.
[Pointing at me again, still shaking her head, speaking Gujarati] SHE never listens. SHE will never get better.
My Mom had to get in on the act.
You need to go to a doctor. (Finally, someone was making sense and speaking directly to me!) Because, it could turn into pneumonia or bronchitis or WORSE!
Uh-oh. My Mom thought I was a candidate for death by sinus infection. I thought for a second. Then, I did what all kids do. Make fun of my Mom's advice instead of heeding it.
OMG! You are so right! I COULD GET TUBERCULOSIS!!! (Mike and I started laughing which, of course, pisses off all Indian mothers. You don’t make fun of them because they always know more than you. Despite being 38 years old, in her eyes, I will never know more than a two-year old.)
Oh, SHUT UP. You won’t get tuberculosis. You make fun, but I am right!
Clearly my Mom forgot that she used TB as a scare tactic for everything when I was little.
Don't go outside with wet hair -- you'll get tuberculosis!
If you don't eat this banana, you'll get tuberculosis!
If you aren't home by curfew, you'll get tuberculosis!
The next day, I left the holistic healing camp and headed back to OH. Despite all the drinks and remedies, I was still ailing. I went to my doctor -- who happens to be Indian and actually believes in medication -- and got a Z-Pak.Sometimes, you gotta say yes to drugs.
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