Air Trantrums

We boarded our flight, anticipating a long travel day. Little did we know what we were in for. Within moments of taking off, the child in the row ahead of us began emitting ear-splitting screams. Nonstop. I've never heard anything like it in my nearly 40 years of existence. I contemplated prying open the emergency exit and hurling myself out at 39,000 feet. But, Michael Jackson just died and I was sure I'd get no coverage, except for Nancy Grace. I sat back, dejected. Kaila, who must be deaf, finally became curious.

What's wrong with that girl, Mommy?

(Nothing. She just deserves a beating, honey.) I held my tongue, gritted my teeth and replied: Ummmmmm, she's just having a "moment."

I think she's being funny.

Leave it to Kaila. Only my girl could find humor in that situation. While my ears were bleeding and the rest of the plane was getting royally p.o.'d, she thinks it's laughable that some screaming banshee is having a tantrum over a cracker. Mike was seated across the aisle, reading a 300-page hard cover book. I reached for it. Luckily, he knows me too well. He pulled it away. I was going to coldcock the mother and then the kid. I would have gotten a standing O.

Oh yeah, I know. Some of y'all will say I'm being overly harsh. If you knew Kaila between the ages of 2-3, you would know that I am 100% qualified to pass judgment on parents whose children wig out. To say Kaila was a nightmare is a complete understatement. When we left the house, I had to be prepared to make emergency exits from restaurants, grocery stores, birthday parties, you name it. And, when we flew, I packed Benadryl, Motrin, sippy cups, crackers, candy, puppets, duct tape you name it. My carry-on was a bag of tricks. I sure as hell wasn't going to be the Mom who got the looks and the tsk tsks.

We were flying back from Florida so the plane was filled with people 85 years and up. Despite removing their hearing aids, they still couldn't escape the blood-curdling screams. Finally, one woman kindly walked over to the Mother and offered to get some water for the Tasmanian Devil who was winding up again.

Are her ears bothering her? Why don't we get her a drink of water?

Sit down. She's fine. Just FINE. PLEASE return to your seat and mind your own business.

I looked at Mike in disbelief. Did this Mother just give the lady an in-air smackdown? Then, something caught my eye. I turned and witnessed tons of wrapped candy being frantically passed through the crevices of the seats. The woman next to me shoved her hand through to the next row. The Mother delivered another smackdown.

TAKE IT BACK. SHE'S TOO YOUNG!!!!

Whispering permeated the plane. Why the hell was everyone whispering, I wondered? You couldn't hear a fucking thing outside of the incessant screaming. A flight attendant walked by.

Stewardess!?! (I love how old people still call them that.)

Uh, yes? (Clearly shocked that she was called stewardess.)

Can you do something for that child? It might be her ears.

The flight attendant paused. The flight attendant reflected. The flight attendant offered this gem: "Babies cry." The flight attendant walked on.

I gave Mike my best WTF? look again. I asked him where his book was. I was gonna knock her ass out, too. The hardcover was safely hidden. The flight attendant wasn't going to help? Oh, we were fucked. What if something really bad were to happen?

Excuse me, flight attendant?

Uh, yes?

The wing is on fire.

Well, planes crash.

-- or --

Excuse me, Miss?

Uh, yes?

The man next to me stopped breathing.

Well, people die.

--or --

Excuse me, Miss?

Uh, yes?

That hairy man just removed his shoe and is lighting it with a Bic

Well, Jihad happens.

Eventually, the screaming subsided and the toddler passed out. The rest of the plane did, too. I reflected. Was I being too harsh on the Mom? I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was her child's ears. But, why didn't she try to give her a drink? Maybe her child was hungry? But, why didn't she offer food? Maybe her kid was tired. But, why didn't she rock her?

When you're a mother, shit happens. In fact, really bad shit always happens at the worst times. But, you try your best to be prepared. And, when you're in a plane, you do whatever it takes to make peace. In air is not the time to hold your ground. But, in the event of an emergency, when shit is spiraling way outta control, at least be gracious.

Yes, babies cry. But, toddlers don't always have to.