Up With Old People

By 11am today, I was down on old people*. I wanted their licenses revoked. I wanted them rounded up and sent to shuffleboard camp in Florida. I wanted everyone 70+ to be tested before taking up residence again in regular society. Why the ill will? A few near misses.

The first incident happened in my 'hood. A blue-haired lady -- a friend's mother, I'm sure -- turned in front of me, into her driveway, nearly causing a collision. I wrongly assumed that after cutting me off, she was going to continue pulling into her driveway. Negative. She stopped to check her mail, blocking my side of the road completely. I slammed on the brakes. Luckily, I had remembered to buckle Kaila in and she didn't fly through the windshield. Equally lucky was my choice of wording about the situation. Rather than scream, "WTF!?!?" I politely said, "What up with that, Cocoon?"

The second incident occurred 15 minutes later. Old dude in front of me didn't trust the left-turn arrow. He must have been burned before. So, he waited. And waited. And waited. I laid on the horn. Still waited. At last, the REAL green light appeared. Old dude turned. Hallelujah! There were six cars coming the other way forcing me to wait. The light turned red. Old dude screwed me.

I got to the next stoplight and was hosed again. Old lady in a big hat would not turn with the green arrow. (His wife?) I gave her the benefit of the doubt and figured that between cataracts and the hat's huge brim, she couldn't see a fucking thing.

About 16 hours later, I made it to the gym and started swimming. Uh oh. Old person at 12 o'clock, wading into the pool. Somehow, I knew this wasn't going to end well. He was walking back and forth across the width of the pool. I was swimming the length like a normal swimmer person. A crash was imminent. My mind started wandering. What if he was pissed that I was swimming while he was walking? What if he tried to drown me? AAAACK! WRINKLY GREY MONSTER!

To my amazement, the swim ended without incident. Even worse, the man politely asked if I swam competitively as I was exiting the pool. He either had a hell of a sense of humor or was blind. I can't dive. I bellyflop. And, that cool somersault swimmers do when they reach the end of the lane? Yeah, not me. I stop, turn around and start again. But, he was being sweet. He asked me questions and listened to my answers. He smiled when I spoke. He sympathized with my inability to run and my need to swim. He told me he had knee replacement and "was trying to get his new one to work."

Then, it hit me. I could learn something here. Old peeps have time to ask questions and time to listen. While I blathered on about how I sucked at swimming, old dude just smiled and nodded at this strange brown woman in a Walmart bathing suit, cheaper swim cap and even cheaper goggles. While I was shooting invisible daggers, he was getting ready to exchange pleasantries. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe it's time to stop behaving like a spoiled, impatient child and grow up. Talk less. Listen more. Slow down. But, then I took the swim cap off and my brain morphed back into its normal blobby state. Hells no. I like making fun of old people too much. Suck it, Grandpa!

*Mom, if you're reading this, I don't mean old like you. I mean waaaaaaaaaaaaay older.