My Doobies are Dummylicious

Sometimes I wonder why Mike and I had kids. At first, I thought it was because they would bring such joy and wonderment to our lives. I was also curious about the genetic mixture. What the hell would they look like? But yesterday I realized the truth.

(1) I had no idea what the word wonderment means, and

(2) We had them so they could be dummies.

No, not farty-pants, stupid-head dummy dummies. I mean ventriloquist dummies. I use them to tell people what I really think when saying it directly would cause too much friction.

Take last night’s example:
Mike: “Sonali, what are we having for dinner?”
Me: “Kaila, tell Daddy that unless he drags his ass to Chipotle, he’s getting a piece of toast for supper.”
Kaila: “Daddy, mom said you’re toast.”

Sure, bits are lost in translation, but the other party generally gets the drift, provided they have a highschool diploma or GED.

Another example:
Mike: “I’m thinking of hitting the links tomorrow.”
Me: “Madan, tell Dad that if he thinks he’s going on a boondoggle with his buddies while I play house frau and scrub toilets until my knuckles bleed, he’s horribly mistaken and I will castrate him.”
Madan: “Dad, we need to clean up. Mom has PMS.”

It doesn’t just work with husbands. it's great for relatives, too!

Me: “Kaila, tell Grandma that Mom and Dad don’t go to church on Sundays because we get too wasted every Saturday night. It has nothing to do with me being a Hindu.”
Kaila: “Grandma, my parents are going to burn in Hell. Can I have another cookie?”

Of course, it can backfire.

Me: “Madan, tell Nani that you can go outside with wet hair. You will not die.”
Nani: “Madan, tell your Mom that if she lets you go outside with wet hair it’s because she doesn’t love you and is a pathetic Mother. I would NEVER do that. Madan, would you like some ice cream? I love you so much. Your Mom is a bitch. Do you want to come live with me? I’ll buy you lots of toys.”

Madan: "Okay, Nani!"

Ouch. It’s hard to outmaneuver the Sensei.