Speedo? Um, no.

So, I banged up my knee training for the Cleveland half marathon. My first concern? How the hell am I going to burn enough calories to keep up with my nightly three-scoops-of ice cream-smothered-in-peanut-butter habit? Man, it's like crack. Or better. I can't stop. The more I eat, the more I want. Mike says it's disgusting. I say he's married to me for better for worse and needs to accept his JIF-addict wife and boogie over to Costco for reinforcements.*

Now that I can't run, can't walk, can't bike, can't squat, can't sneeze without hurting myself, I had to find something that would burn calories and coddle my pansy-ass knee. Swimming, the good doctor said. Christ. Swimming? It's March. I have not shaved my legs since the summer of '08. I live in Cleveland. I still have another four months before I need to wear shorts. And, now you're telling me to put a suit on and swim? Say it ain't so.

Faced with a 400-lb weight gain and kankles, I hit the pool this morning. I jumped in. I swam. There were two other swimmers there. I don't know their names, but will call them Michael Phelps and Dara Torres, I swear. They had these beautiful swim bodies, sleek Speedo suits, matching caps, goggles, flippers. Fucking flippers?!?!?! Then, there was me. Walmart** bathing suit. Lab goggles Mike found in a locker at his old gym. Hair twisted up in a frayed ponytail holder. I prayed the Olympians would leave the pool before me so they would never see my trailer-park get-up. You probably could see right through my bathing suit.

The highlight of the morning was the after-swim soak in the hot tub, shared with a 90-year old man. As he was leaving the tub he said, "Sorry I couldn't get it hot enough for you." I wasn't sure if he was referring to my libido or the fact that he was incontinent. Either way, bad news. In retrospect, he was a cute little raisin.

*Not that it makes any difference, but the ice cream is fat-free cookies and cream and the peanut butter is low-fat creamy JIF. I am the only person in the whole world who ignored the FDA's peanut butter warning so I could feed my habit.

**The bathing suit was purchased because the airline lost our bags when we were on vacation two summers ago. No, there was not a Target nearby. I still have the suit because my mother told me never to waste anything.