No TP? No Shit!

I'd like to dedicate today's post to my friend Naomi of Delhi Bound. In 24 hours, Naomi, too, will be without toilet paper, but for very different reasons.

The other day, Mike informed me that our toilet paper situation was dangerously low.

How low?

Low.

Did you check the basement?

The basement? Since when do we keep toilet paper in the basement?

Isn't that where we keep everything? So, wait. Do we have a SINGLE roll anywhere in the house? Are we approaching spare-a-square or drip-dry status? Seriously. This isn't funny. I need to know.

Um. I think we have two rolls somewhere. You'll be okay, I guess.

Relief washed over me. We had a few more days before we needed to start using the local papers.

Our predicament is totally ridiculous. If we're out of milk, we run to the store. If we need egg whites, we run to the store. If we're out of toilet paper? We don't run to the store? I guess we like to live dangerously. Or maybe, since Mike was leaving town for two days, he wasn't concerned. I'm sure The Mariott would hook him up while I was stuck, driving like a maniac to Heinen's at 6AM to squeeze the hell outta some Charmin.

As of today, we're in TP Emergency Preparedness State. We are employing the following rules to ensure paper conservation:
-No liquids unless someone is close to dehydration, approaching death or is a boy.
-No brans, raisins, prunes, soy, apples, bananas, Mexican food or American beer.
-Sheryl Crow single-square-per-sitting mandate.
-All meals will be eaten at a neighbor's house and followed by a one-hour playdate.
-Mandatory pull-ups at night. I don't care how many years you've been potty trained for: four or forty.

Luckily, we're about to run out of milk.