I need you, Allen Funt.

Some jagoff has been lurking around our town, conducting lewd acts in his car and prompting the district to send out a fresh "Stranger Alert" nearly every day. I'm not disgusted. I'm not scared. I'm simply sick of assholes destroying the peace. And I'm pissed. I want my kids to be able to play outside without having to witness some asshole's penis where it has no business being -- in a hand, in public. Seriously, isn't Skype and your bathroom good enough? Do you really get off when a stranger catches you in the act? Oy.

Tonight, I'm summoning Allen Funt via seance. I'm going to ask him for guidance. How can I catch this pervert on camera? After all, since dbag loves attention, he shouldn't mind when I post 8x10 glossies of his face around town, right? I always keep my camera close by. Now, I'm just hoping for the occasion to use it. If I catch you, jagoff, remember to smile! Just don't wave.

Nothin' but the truth.

Do you remember the movie Crazy People? Dudley Moore plays an ad agency executive who suffers a mental breakdown. As a result, he starts embracing honesty in advertising. Some of the creative taglines he writes include:

"Buy Volvos. They're boxy but they're good."

"Come...in the Bahamas"

"Forget Paris. French can be annoying. Come to Greece. We're nicer."

"Jaguars are for men who want hand jobs from beautiful women."

In case they remake the movie, here are some I'd like to add:

"Lee jeans. What women with perms wear."

"Sick child? Come shop at Target!"

"If you're older than two, overalls aren't for you. Welcome to GAP Kids."

"Trader Joe's or make your own fucking dinner."

"Starbucks is for parents who can't get their kids to sleep in their own goddamn bed."

"Jack Daniels. When Benadryl won't do."

"Shit happens, but shouldn't at sleepovers. Underjams!"

"Suffering from a midlife crisis but too chickenshit to ride a motorcycle? Vespa!"

"Wake up at 7:35am. Get kid on bus by 7:40am. Quaker cereal bars."

"Get the Nuk because babies suck."

Got some good ones of your own? Please share!