The Village Idiot

The Doobies get their Guju on.

We flew back from Florida two days ago. Per Mike, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone via FB we were going away.

We'll get robbed. Don't you read the news anymore?

My page is private -- only friends view it! (And, no, I don't read the news. I rely on Jon Stewart for everything.)

Oh, so all those people are your friends? How well do you really know all 238 of them?

Crap. I hate it when Mike's right. That's my job. So, I changed my FB status from "woohoo packing for Florida so excited to leave tomorrow at 5am and our security code is 9312" to "doing laundry...again." I also wrote two incredibly lame blog posts that would be published in my absence, to cover my tracks. (Did you really think I gave a shit about how to make a robot from a cardboard box? C'mon! Y'all know me better than that.)

So, we were away. The West Palm Beach wedding/vacation was fun. The Doobies had a blast. And, I got blasted in front of my relatives + 300 other people. My cousin tried to twirl me around the dance floor at warp-speed, in my saree. But, the vodka tonics won and I bit it. Twice. I learned to say, "My ass hurts." and then "My ass feels better." in Gujarati. My grandmother was so proud. As Mike always says, "Every town needs an idiot." Luckily, this one never disappoints.



My cousin, "The Twirler"


My grandma, Ben!

Don't ask me no questions. And I won't tell you no lies.

Riddle me this. What asks a lot of stupid questions, is incredibly annoying and won't get off my Facebook feed?

If you answered, "fucking FB quizzes," ding ding ding! Congratulations! You are correct.

Why do we need a social quizzing system? Don't we all know who we are by now, where we'd really like to live and what it means to wear underpants? Seriously. If you're discovering your identity by way of which fruit you most likely resemble. You've got some issues. Get off Facebook and get thee to a shrink.

I'd like to save you Q&A addicts some time by posting answers to some of the most popular quizzes. Maybe this will keep you off my feed which should be reserved for really important things like when friends comment on other friends comments that I've commented on six days ago. 'Nuff said. Here goes:

1. Where should you really live? Italy.
2. What does your eye color mean? Nothing.
3. How well do u know the Jonas Brothers? If you're a girl under 16, "well." If you're a boy or over 16 and know them, you are gay.
4. Are you in love? Yes. With these goddamn quizzes.
5. Which celebrity do you most look like? Verne Troyer.
   
6. Are you popular or just normal? Neither. You are a retard for taking 20 quizzes a day.
7. Which animal are you? Lemming.
8. How bored are you? Seriously. This is an actual quiz. C'mon people. The answer here is as obvious as me standing in downtown Chagrin Falls.
   
9. What do the Twilight characters think of you? Shut up. They are characters. They are not thinking of you. They do not know you. They will never know you. Stop living this lie.
10. Do you hate my quizzes? Ok. This one's a gimme.

Lest you think I'm lying about my dislike for tests, I found a way to remove them from my FB page. I'm going to try it as soon as I finish answering "Do you Facebook too much and ignore your kids?" Okay, that one's a gimmie, too.