So, Sue legumed me.

Yo, peeps. This post is dedicated to the Doobies. They're fascinated with the body's capabilities -- from the oh, so special things a weenie can do to the incredible sounds a kid can make without expending any effort. You can just imagine Doobie excitement when they score a body hat trick, emitting a fart, burp and god knows what else at the same time. I should get one of those police lights to celebrate the occasion.

Well, I've grown to love pilates. It's an hour of torture, but it's worth every minute. Especially since I'm growing taller. All those doctors who say you stop inching up at 18 years of age are big, fat liars. I bet they never studied Snapple bottle caps. I'm pretty sure most of my pants are going to be capris by winter. AmEx, be warned, I'm going to go PX90 on your ass in the very near future.

I got to the gym and got my favorite spot, in front of the mirror. That way, I can tell if I'm having a stroke during one of the instructor's sadistic exercises. We warmed up. We sat down. We got ready to see what our cores were made of. Suddenly, a stench hugged my nostrils. WTF? I quickly looked in the mirror. It looked like I was having a stroke, but I think it was the face I made from the noxious fumes wafting my way.

At first, I thought it was me. During one of the moves, I tried to nuzzle my nose in my armpit. Nope. At another interval, I puffed out and tried to catch a hint of halitosis. Negative. Still minty fresh. I was sure it wasn't my feet and I had actually bathed the day before. I crossed myself off the ass-offender list. Suddenly, the odor had dissipated. Oh shit, I thought. I hope no one else smells it and thinks it was me. I refocused on pilates and the task at hand -- trying to kill myself with a workout.

Suddenly, there "it" was again. I looked in the mirror to size up the peeps around me. Did anyone look guilty? Apologetic? Like they had overdosed on Prilosec? I couldn't tell for sure, but I think it was the woman behind me. And, I'm pretty sure she must have crapped her pilates pants. Next time I see her, I'll be sure to keep my distance -- or maybe I can score one of those cute Harajuku SARS surgical masks from Japan via eBay?


ISO snap mask to match my exercise ensemble.