Get yer ya yas outside!

"You have such nice children," the camp counselor said.

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure?"

"Are you sure you're talking about MY children?"

The camp counselor smiled and walked away -- most likely to reevaluate her opinion or get the hell away from me.

Most of us have nice children outside of the house. How many of us have well-behaved kids inside the house? "That's how you want it. You're doing something right." people always say. I beg to differ. What happens in this hizzel is wrong and it's my doing. Ten minutes prior to drop-kicking the Doobies into the car to driving them to camp, Madan was running around in his underwear flashing his perfect, non-dimpled arse (Yes, jealous.). Kaila was in the pantry simulating a ticker-tape parade, cutting index cards into atoms and celebrating with them. I, of course, was alternating between Facebook and telling them to get ready so I could slather them up with sunblock and bug spray then quickly check FB again. The volume level escalated. No one was listening. I resorted to threatening and screaming.

"Get ready NOW or there will be NO camp!" Dear God. What have I done? I really need to think before I speak sometimes.

Eventually, pants were found and worn. The ticker tape parade ended with great fan fare. I was exhausted.

Then, I had an epiphany. What if my kids were awful little monsters outside of the house? Wouldn't I get whatever was left when they got home -- well-behaved angelic little cherubs? Yes, I thought. Let the Doobies get their ya-yas out -- outside of the house. Just think of what my life would be like then! I had visions of kids in pressed outfits, quietly reading books at their desks, setting the table, folding laundry and never uttering a word unless spoken to. Life could be good. But, this reversal of behavior is not without challenges. Sure, people would shudder when they saw us coming and cringe when I dropped them off, but no matter! I would always be smiling, like a modern-day June Cleaver, if I had peace on the inside.

Just sayin'...