Pip-squeak confessions

"Someone got marker on the couch in the family room." Mike said.

"Someone?" I raised my eyebrows. "I'm pretty sure we can narrow this down."

"I asked the Doobies. Madan said he didn't do it. Kaila says she remembers seeing the marker a long time ago when she was a baby."

I almost died laughing. I knew Madan was telling the truth. He doesn't know how to lie. Plus, he could care less about writing implements. He only uses them because school makes him. And, Kaila fibs worse than a rug.

Carrot or the stick, I thought? How would I make Kaila 'fess up? I decided to go Jack Bauer on her. I dig drama.

I turned the lights down, circled around her once and got up in her face.

"Kaila. Do you know who got marker on the couch?" I deadpanned.

"Noooo." She shrugged and bit into her lunch. She may as well have said, "Fuck off, Bauer."

Shit. She was going to be a tough nut to crack. I put both fists down on the table and leaned in.

"Did the name start with an M or a K?"

"Hmmmm?" she started laughing like a maniac and gazed up at the ceiling.

The girl was making a fool of me. WWJBD?

"Kaila. I'm going to give you one more chance." And then what? I thought. Shit. I had just made an empty threat. What the hell was I thinking? I'm a seasoned veteran who plans ahead, not a first-time parent making a misstep. WTF? I should know better. Was I losing my edge? Crap. Girlfriend had mad skills. She could inflict self-doubt with a single word.

"Okay. I think it was a baby." she said patronizing me.

"A baby?" I was intrigued and probed further.

"Yeah. A baby that YOU had." She pointed her grubby little finger at me. Holy hell. She was turning tables! I shook it off.

"A baby that I had? Was the baby's name Kaila?"

"Maybe. But, it happened a long time ago. Like 100 days ago when she was one."

"When you were one? Did you know that you couldn't walk or crawl when you were one? You were basically a sack of potatoes that I carried around in a baby sling." I didn't bother to tell her that she was four 100 days ago. It totally would have escaped her. Logic never plays a role in her stories.

"I know! Maybe someone lifted me up and I had a marker in my hand and it got on the couch when someone wasn't looking."

"Kaila. I'm sending you to boarding school."

"What? Is that where kids get bored?"

"Um. No. It's where bad kids go." Okay, so not really, but I had to go there.

"Are you fibbing, Mama?" Kaila asked with a hint of worry, "I said the marker got there when I was one. But, you can clean it up."

I let the hostile finish her lunch and then set her free. But, I told her to watch her step. It's only a matter of time before I catch the little pip-squeak crayola-handed.