Hallelujah! I've been sealed!

Does this stuff happen to anybody else or just me?

Today was Madan's school fun run. All the grades ran a mile (more or less) in an effort to demonstrate some sort of commitment to physical fitness. Unfortunately, it was nearly 90 degrees by 9am. In an effort to stay cool, but look hot while watching the Herculean task, I wore a cute jumper I got via ebay. It's a cool little number I scored for $20 from some dude in Taiwan. Problem is, it requires a strapless boulder holder. Problem is, I got no boulders for my holder so keeping a strapless hoisted is hopeless. Ergo, cucumber boob commando I went. Talk about liberating. Or embarrassing. No matter. I didn't care. It was fucking hot out.

"Nice jumper!" remarked one mom.

"Thanks!" I replied.

"You're button's undone." she shared. Now that's an honest woman. The type I want to be friends with because she'll tell me when there's shiz in my teeth or stuck to my shoe.

I looked down and saw my chest staring back at me. "Crap!" The unbuttoned hole was in the worst spot and, despite my repeated attempts at closure, kept coming undone.

I thanked the mom profusely for alerting me to my imminent wardrobe malfunction, grabbed Kaila's hand and flew out of school to the gas station around the corner. I had 10 minutes before I became police blotter fodder. Could you imagine? Mom arrested for flashing 100 pint-sized runners who last saw a nipple when they were in diapers. The horror. Not the way to make friends in a new town.

"WHERE are we going, MAMA?" Kaila screamed.

"Around the corner. I have to procure a safety pin."

"WHY?"

"So I don't flash Madan's principal."

"What does that mean?"

"It's when you show your BOOBS!" There was no time for sugar coating. Sometimes you just gotta keep it real.

We busted through the doors of Mobil.

"DO YOU SELL SAFETY PINS or ANYTHING LIKE THEM?" I desperately asked the clerk.

She shook her head no. Luckily, I called bullshit on Apu's wife. I frantically searched for something. I would have bought a blow torch and welded my clothes shut if they had one. No dice. I debated breaking into the liquor store next door. If I got stinking drunk maybe no one would notice my fun bags at the fun run.

In the nick of time, I spied a solution. "Hallelujah" started playing in my head. (The Leonard Cohen version, of course.) I was saved! I threw $2.00 down on the counter grabbed my fresh roll of duct tape and sprinted for the gas station restroom. It was locked. I had 5 minutes before Madan's mad dash.

Fuuuuuuuck. I threw my purse at Kaila. "Hold THIS!"

"Okay, Mama?" She phrased it as a question as if to say, "Are you fucking okay, mama or am I going to have to find your custodial power of attorney to see who you bequeathed me to since you're going to be hauled away by the men in white coats?"

I tore off a piece of duct tape, reached inside my top and suddenly, just as quickly as the hole in my shirt opened and knockers started spilling out, I was sealed. It was a miracle. I ripped off a few more pieces of tape for insurance, shoved them in my outfit, ignored Kaila's wide-eyed WTF? look, grabbed her hand and ran back to the school.

Wikipedia says, "Duct tape is commonly used in situations that require a strong, flexible, long lasting adhesive, particularly when exposure to the elements is a concern."

No shit. Thank you, duct tape!


What's so funny? Are you using duct tape, too, sister?