20 Degrees of Separation

I always wondered who those crazy motherfuckers were that went to the zoo in the dead of winter. Most of the animals are in hiding. They're too cold to even hump each other in public. So, who the hell actually bundles themselves up and heads to the zoo to see a few furry animals freeze their collective asses off? What has two French-manicured thumbs and masterbates?*

That's right, friends. Or, should I say my now former friends?

I made the mistake of asking Kaila what she wanted to do today.

"The ZOO! Let's see penguins! They said at school that I could see penguins in the zoo."

Damn school. Can't they just reinforce how to cut paper during the winter months and practice proper hand washing? Now I'm stuck taking my girl to see Macaroni penguins when it's 20 degrees out. Sure, I could have said no and doomed her to another day of watching her mother nail holes into the wall, curse, then nail more holes into the exact same wall, but two inches over, to hang pictures. But, I was feeling guilty. We've been in Burning Ham almost a month and we haven't had much mother-daughter time unless you count fieldtrips to Target, Bed Bath & Beyond and Home Depot. Woo-friggin'-hoo, says Kaila.

The zoo it was. The good news was that we were practically the only ones there. The better news was that we got a personal tour of the amphibiville exhibit. Some poor conversation-starved woman led us window-to-window and pointed out each flippin' frog with her flashlight. I politely feigned interest. Kaila did not. "Come ON! Let's GO!!!!" Sometimes it's awesome to be a four year old.

We also discovered the penguins and a way-too talkative boy the same age as Kaila. I always wonder about overly-chatty kids. Why do they have no problem engaging total strangers for what seems like hours? Does no one talk to them at home or at least pretend to listen? That's a skill I mastered early on.

"Mom, is it okay if I turn the oven on to keep warm like old people do?"

"Yeah, Madan go for it. Wait. WHAT? HOLD UP!!!!!"

The penguin-side chat began...

"I LOVE penguins!" started "Timmy," "Look at that one! And, that one. And that one! We learned about these in school. They don't fly! I saw the zookeeper feeding them over there. It was a big fish! Look at them! Look how they walk! Look! LOOK! It's so cold today. I'm wearing two pairs of pants and THREE shirts!" blathered little Timmy as his Dad gazed on incorrectly believing, "My kid is so cute" instead of shooting me an apologetic look saying "Lady, I'd talk to him, but I have to live with him."

I finally convinced Timmy that Kaila was about to crap her pants and we got the hell outta dodge. I never saw Kaila move so fast. I think my little Doobie's got good dork-dar. Let's hope it holds up through high school and she keeps at least 20 degrees of separation between herself and the boys who will drive me crazy.

*Okay. That's a total lie. Don't believe everything you read. I do not have a French manicure. But, I wish I did.