Coming Undone

Exhibit A: Tube of super glue and Q-tip remnant.

I was going to tell you about my new mullet or how my guy Tim is really a sadist masquerading as a physical therapist, but Mike trumped those intended posts with a story of his own.

Um, Bird*?

Yeah?

I need some help.

I was in the middle of giving Kaila a bath. I thought Mike and Madan had life under control. How wrong I was. I walked out of the bathroom and witnessed Mike standing there with a tube of super glue stuck to his finger. I did what any normal wife would do. Laughed my ass off and said, "How the HELL did you do that?" Then, I yanked on the tube. I don't know why. That's what my mother would have done.

OUCH! (Somewhat pissed.) It's STUCK!

Meanwhile, the kids gathered 'round to witness the spectacle and pepper Dad with uber-intellectual questions to make him feel like a total douchebag.

First Kaila:
1. Is that super glue? (That's why we call her "short bus.")
2. WHY is it stuck to your finger?
3. You shouldn't have done that! Why would you do that?
5. I would never have done that. Is mommy going to get that off for you?

Then Madan:
1. Dad, why weren't you more careful? You should have been more careful.
2. What are you going to do now?

Then me:
1. How are you going to coach T-ball on Saturday without looking like a moron?
2. Don't you know super glue is super sticky? It's called super glue.

Gotta love Madan. It's because of him that Mike's finger was now permanently affixed. Dad was helping him fix some trains.

I sprinted** for the camera. "Don't let my dire situation get in the way of a good blog post," Mike yelled. Damn straight, boyfriend.

After the photoshoot, I got some supplies and got to work. I started with nail-polish remover and a Q-tip. Seconds later, Mike had a tube of super glue AND a Q-tip stuck to his finger. My bad. It was non-acetone. I elevated the adhesive threat level to orange and went in search of something stronger.

I came back with vegetable oil and a bottle of "Goof Off." As he soaked his hand in the oily mess, I read the Goof Off label. (I didn't want to make the same mistake I did years ago when I sprayed Benadryl on his sunburned chest. For the record: super-bad idea.)

"Everybody goofs up sometimes – which is why every home, garage and workshop needs Goof Off. It removes the tough messes that ordinary household cleaners can’t. You'll be amazed at how fast, easy and powerfully it works to remove everything from dried paint to gummy, sticky messes, grease, tar, ink and tough stains. Goof Off is the solution to irritating, embarrassing and potentially costly cleaning problems. Goof Off – the ultimate remover for the toughest messes."

Bingo!

"Do not get on skin. Use gloves when handling."

Let's not and say we did.

Kaila had now been in the bathtub for what seemed like hours and she was turning into a raisin. Suddenly, the tube fell from Mike's finger. Hallelujah! Praise be! The finger is free! Mike decides now would be a good time to tell me there's super glue all over the bathroom sink and possibly elsewhere in the house.

What? Somehow, Mike had punctured the tube at the bottom and channeled Hansel & Gretel on his quest to find me. I sequestered Madan so he wouldn't get stuck to anything. He had school the next day and I didn't want to risk it. I didn't know where all the bread crumbs were.

After I checked the house to ensure we were adhesive-free, we shoved the kids in bed and went downstairs to enjoy mindless TV and ice cream. Mike turns to me and confesses that there's super glue on the handle of the kitchen sink.

What in the hell went on here, I demanded?

I was letting Madan open the super glue and he was trying to puncture the top and then...

WTF?!?!?!

My super-smart MBA gunner decided to let our five-year old test his skills opening super glue. Holy hell. What next? Lighting the BBQ? Juggling knives? I'm so giving him a time out.

*That's my nickname courtesy of Todd. The evolution of it was this: (1) Sonali; (2) Noli; (3) Nol-Byrd; (4) Byrd; (5) Byrd with a "y." I chose to use the more traditional spelling.

**Yes, runner ladies. I stretched first to avoid further IT band injury.